


Iron Chef: SnK Edition

by Eye_Of_Argonia



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Bodily Fluids, Coprophagia, Deliberate Badfic, Deliberately Bad Fanart, Fluff, M/M, Scatological humor, Urophagia, Warning: Chapter 63, cookoff, unusual ingrediants
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-03-27
Updated: 2015-03-27
Packaged: 2018-03-19 21:43:19
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 989
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3625284
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Eye_Of_Argonia/pseuds/Eye_Of_Argonia
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>BADBANG GIFTFIC FOR MY RECIP WHO WANTED COOKOFF WITH JEAN AND SACHA OR WITH EREN SWAPPED. CONTAINS YOU-KNOW-WHICH-CHAPTER-63-STUFF SO BE WARNED. ALSO SLASH. IF U R A HOMOPHOBE DON'T READ.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Thor_The_PopTart_Slut](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thor_The_PopTart_Slut/gifts).



_Argo-chan: Ohayou, minna! I'm your Argo-chan, and I'm here to present you with an exchange ficcy! But first, let me introduce my muse._   
_Levi: *glares*_   
_Argo-chan: Don't mind him, he's just tsundere!_   
_Levi: Am not!_   
_Argo-chan: Hee, anyways, the recip wanted SnK fic and I'm here to deliver! I'd even write Sacha, but they called her potato girl. That's so not true!_   
_Levi: Yeah, Blouse does not limit her greedy self to potatoes. She'll eat whatever shit is there._   
_Argo-chan: Funny you said that._   
_Levi: Said what?_   
_Argo-chan: *giggle* You'll see._   
_Levi: i DON'T LIKE THE SOUND OF THAT._   
_Argo-chan: tee hee. And they also made a typo! They said Jean was a bottom. Really. I mean, those "horse" comparisons don't come from anywhere, right? *wink wink nudge nudge*_   
_Levi: *blushes* Baka!_   
_Argo-chan: Eee! Did someone sneak a peak during all that military life in close quarters?_   
_Levi: *blush* *stutter* *blush* Baka! baka! I did not!_   
_Argo-chan: Sure, dear, whatever you sau. Anyways, we all know that horse-like=seme, if ya know what i mean. *sink wink nudge nidge*_

__Levi: *blush* Baka hentai! Who could possibly knwo what filth is in your mind?_   
_Argo-chan: Sure, dear, whatever you sau._ _ _ANd now, onto the fic!_

_Levi: I have a bad feeling about this._   
  


**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~IRON CHEF: SHINGEKI EDITION~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

"Talk"

((Thoughts))

It was a sunny, sunny day within walls. It was a good thing, too, for today there was a great cook-off to be had! How lucky! (A/N: I haven't seen the OVA BTW. I'm a manga purist. But hey, even better, right? You get to see something you ahven't seen before.)

 

Erin held the mic aloft. "AAAAND NOW, WE PRESENT THE CONTESTANTS!!!! IN THIS CORNER, WE HAVE EREN JAEGER, PREVIOUSLY OF WALL SINA!"

Audience: *applause*

Eren (thoughts): ((Wall Sina...now no more...because of TITANS!!! Who ate MY MOMMY!!! GONNA KILL THEM ALLL!!!!)) *raises finger to bite*

Levi wacked him on the head. "Ahou!"

Erwin: "We might as well introduce our oh-so-nimble stage security chief, Humanity's Strongest, Levi Ackermann!!!!" *winks saucily at Levi*

*panties fly onstage*

Levi blushed and turned his head. "Shitbrows."

 

_@@@@@@@@@_

_Levi: Wait. Why am I here?_

_Argo-chan: Because you are the most popular character, silly!!! It's gonna draw the readers!!!_

_@@@@@@@@@_

Then they had a break until Hanji brought her titans to eat the panties. Then they resumed.

"And in this corner, we have the horse-man *winks*, the Eren-lookalike in denial, the Jean Kirschtein!!!" Said Erwin. (A/N: I have never seen Iron Chef either. I read some fic with Iron Chef xover, though, so I'm good.)

Jean thought. ((NOT IN DENIAL! I LOOK NOTHING LIKE THAT SHITFACE! OH SHIT, HEICHOUS OBSESSION WITH SHIT IS CONTAGIOUS!!!))

Little did he know it won't stay just in his thoughts.

 

"AAAND HERE" Said Erwin. " WE HAVE THE SPECIAL JUDGE, DARIUS ZACKLEY!!! WHO WILL NOW PRESENT OUR SECRET INGREDIENT!!!"

*Audience stands up and heart-salutes.*

Zackley got up and made his way to a cloth-covered pillar at the center of the stage. He removed the cloth. There were two oval vials filled with something brown, but it was hard to tell if it was liquid or solid or porridge-like.

"Here is Zackley special. Made from noblest of...cattle. Use it well" He reverently gave Eren and Jean each the vial. They opened it. Eren almost threw his away on the floor if it weren't for Levi's nimble catch. Levi put it back on the table and promptly disinfected his hands. He also changed his cravat, just in case.

 

Jean made a face. "It smells like shit."

Zackley said. "That's not all. If you have trouble telling apart the other significant ingrediant, you're gonna have problems completing this task."

 

_@@@@@@@@@_

_Levi: WTF._

_Argo-chan: https://31.media.tumblr.com/25348941891a78123632ca8a8cbb2512/tumblr_inline_nemqg5BsJL1rcsp4k.jpg_

_Levi: Shit._

_Argo-chan: And pee, too!_

_@@@@@@@@@_

 

"Danchou?" Eren asked, waveringly.

Erwin smiled reassuringly. "We are having food problems, right? Generallisimo Zackly discovered the way to preserve the resources. And it's up to you, my lovely young recruits, to make it into a tasty yet cheap meal that will appeal to masses. NOW BEGIN!!!!"

 

And they began. There was mixing, and glaring, and fussing. Erwin flew from one coutner to the next, with witty comments. He wore glittery purple suit, as befit an Iron Chef announcer. It went well with his bolo tie.

After a while, the time was up!

 

"AAAND NOW, WE PRESENT THE DISHES!!! WE'LL GO THE OTHER WAY AROUND!!!" Said the sexy danchou. 

 

Jean said. "I made Zackly special broth with Kirstein Special horseradish (A/N: get it?) side salad!"

The dish was passed to judges, who were Zackly, Mike (with nose-plugs on) and Nanaba. They kept poker faces. Jean sweated a lot, wringing his hands.

The camera went to Eren. He said "I made Shiganshina-style pudding" He paused, tearing up. "Just like my mo-"

Levi Vulcan-nerve-pinched him preemptively.

The judges had same reaction as Jean's.

"And now" Said Erwin "We're gonna have a break so judges can decide!"

"Great" said Eren. "Come with me backstage, horse-face. We have stuff to discuss." He sneered.

"Heh. You wish" Said Jean. "Race you?"

"You're on!" said Eren.

They raced backstage. Then there were muffled sounds. Than screaming. But not in unpleasant way.

"Ah, youth." Said Zackly, nodding wisely. 

Erwin prickled his ears. Levi blushed like a beetrot and kept muttering "shit" under his breath.

After a while, judges came back.

"WILL THE CONTESTANTS PLEASE COME BACK ON STAGE?" said Erwin.

Eren and Jean rushed back, tucking their clothes back into their gear straps. (A/N: wink wink)

"AND NOW, SPECIAL GUEST WILL PRESENT RESULTS" said Erwin. Then he dropped the mic.

Zackly said "And the winner is...."

 

**~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~**

 

_Argo-chan: You'll learn when I get at least 20 comments and fifty kudos, bitches!!!_

_Levi: *holds up banner* "TEA LEAVES TO HEAL MUSE'S TRAUMA ARE WELCOME TOO"_

_Argo-chan: The buttons are down below! Clicky-clicky! Concrit appreciated, but flames will be used by Sacha to cook Zackly special!_


	2. Chapter 2

[](http://s1297.photobucket.com/user/eyeofargoniayeofargonia/media/BBart12_zpsmmjzdklj.jpg.html)


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